Tuesday, July 17, 2007

our octopus, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy tentacles.

This may be the weirdest cephalopod related thing I have ever posted on this blog. Please go and check out the octopus faith site. Let me warn you, dear uninitiated reader, that at first you may be frightened by the pictures of the perky octopus woman that come up. Don't worry, so was Jesus.

There is no point in me trying to summarize the site since it is so weird and fantastic. A direct quote:

"Do you want to go deep? Let 'deep sea travel guide' and Christian Women's Speaker, Janet Drez, take your women on an "under-sea" adventure using the attributes of the octopus as a unique and profound word-picture to discover and grow their "Octopus Faith®."

(Why is she taking "your" women? Who do these women belong to? Does she have to get permission first? Do they have a curfew? Why are there no men allowed? Is this actually about menstruation? OH MY GOD IS IT A CEPHALAPOD LESBIAN PLOT?!?!?! If so, can I attend??????)

But, most importantly, I feel the need to share the...

8 Tentacles of Octopus Faith®:

1. Praise: Do You Know Who God Is?
2. Pearls: Do You Know Who You Are?
3. Prayer: An Octopus Conversation
4. Pressure: How to Survive the Underwater Pressure
5. Power: Wrestling with an Enemy
6. Play: The Joy of Octopus Faith®
7. Passion: Longing for Octopus Faith®
8. Pass It On: Lead Someone Else into the Deep

(Okay, after reading number 6 and 7, I hope all of these women are given a complimentary octopus vibrator. Maybe that's why men aren't allowed.)

And finally, a quote from a satisfied octopus faith customer:

"Octopus Faith was exactly the message that was needed to springboard us into a season of 'deep sea diving' with Christ. Each and every lady was amazed and surprised at the analogy of our faith to octopus. All loved it and you!"
Michelle Gale, Director, First Ladies Women's Ministry
First Southern Baptist Church of Phoenix

Let's go deep sea diving with Jesus, y'all! Last one in the water is washed up jumbo squid servant of satan!


Rose Red said...

As a Christian and a cephalopod lover....I really can't think of a thing to say about this. I'm baffled.

Constance said...

There are also eight tentacles of buddhism.

Why didn't we see it before? Let's revisit the video of the octopus opening the jar:

As she grapples with the jar,the octopus practices the eightfold path.
Right view -- she views the jar, and realizes that attatchment to the jar leads to suffering.
Right intention-- her intention is to get the crab. although she must eat the crab, she feels compassion for it.
Right chromataphores -- (editor's note, traditionally this is known as "right speech")
Right action -- wrapping body and tentacles around the jar.
Right livelihood -- it's hard to attain enlightenment when you're a carnivore, but consider that the octopus takes no more than it needs, and it's efforts are legal and for the most part, peaceful.
Right effort -- all tentacles are involved in the effort; no tentacles are engaged in unwholesome effort.
Right mindfulness -- the jar and the crab are but a step on the road to enlightenment.
Right concentration -- the giant brain of the octopus is completely absorbed in the task.